The Forum at Handcuffs.Org

"You might be a handcuff collector"

56 visible archived posts · 56 preserved total · topic ID 1201

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

Time for a little handcuff related humor.

I was recently ,in the tradition of American redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy, thinking up some "You might be a handcuff collector" one liners.

Here is one of them:

-If you are in the produce department of your local supermarket and you develop a severe case of whiplash from twisting your head around at supersonic speed just because someone behind you in the produce department says out loud, "Man, this is one giant bean!", you might be a handcuff collector.-

Feel free to add to this if any of you can also make some up.

I have a few more in reserve but will wait for now to see if any others are forthcoming.

Cheers, Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

Here goes...

If you went to court to sue the local flowershop for false advertising because the sign in their store window said, "Lillies on sale here, only $8.00 per bunch", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If you punched out the Minister at the local church cook out because you got there late and he informed you that all the corn was already eaten and they had thrown away the leftover cobbs, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If your wife is having an affair behind your back because you spend all your time on ebay looking for bargains and when she finally comes clean and tells you about it your only question is, "Does he have any good restraints?", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If you went to a shoe repair shop and had them reinforce the bottom of your Christmas stocking with leather and rivets in anticipation of the big guy in the red suit bringing you lots of goodies on Christmas Day, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If you have more oddly shaped keys lying in various places around your house than most locksmith shops have on all thier walls combined, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If there are more teeth on one bow of a pair of Hiatt 115's than you have in your head because you have spent all of your money on your hobby and can no longer afford to go see a dentist, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If someone from the UK insults you by calling you a "genuine 100% top of the line pratt" and you take it as a compliment, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

If the term "twister" brings to mind something totally different than the popular family floor game from the 1970's, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#10

If you caught a severe cold from camping out in front of the local arena in sub zero temperatures for three days because you heard a gun and military antique show was coming to town and you wanted to be the first one through the doors when they opened, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Lyle 16 Mar 2006

#11

Whilst going through the airport search junk, the TSA guy pulls you aside and demands to know why you have a handcuff key on your keyring.

Running it through a rapid mental question and answer session of, "I'm a handcuff collector", knowing full well what the TSA guy will then ask in return, and knowing it will go downhill from there trying to explain why, causing you to miss your flight, get arrested as a terrorist and other things, you respond with a sincere voice coupled with abject stupidity:

"No it's not! It's an Egyptian Ankh symbol of good luck."

Mark Lyons 16 Mar 2006

#12

If you go to Stans or Gordons house and look at a great collection of nippers and pay particular attention to three of them that are hanging on the wall and remark "I like the Malcolm in the Middle", you might be a cuff collector.

mark
O--O

Monica 16 Mar 2006

#13

O--O

or

O-) (nipper/claw)

or

I-----I (twister)

Mark Lyons 16 Mar 2006

#14

Monica,

That is very good!
O-------------O = Leg irons
3--O = cuffs with 1 open end. (wish I knew how to get an upside-down 3)
8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8 = The Joe Lauher Collection

If you are up at 4:00 in the moning figuring cuff icons, you might be a cuff collector or just plain nuts!

mark
O--O

marie 16 Mar 2006

#15

0===0 hinged
or (%) makes a handcuff pic on msn

marie 16 Mar 2006

#16

oh and you might also be a handcuff collector if you leave your son in casualty nursing a suspected detached retina whilst you chase after 2 coppers who are with a prisoner who is wearing chubb escort cuffs coz you want a better look......

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#17

Hi, nice to see people chiming in here all in the spirit of humor.

Here's another...

If you rudely elbow your way through the line up of people waiting to be seated at a popular western style steak house just so you could run to the back of the restaurant and get a good, close up look at the rusting horse bit nailed to the wall that, from 20 feet away you first thought was "something else", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#18

If you take a visit to the state of Oregon and spend almost all of your time there travelling from one shoe store to another, all in search of one highly sought after brand of "boot", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#19

If the term "Berliner" to you means something quite different than a native of the German capitol city, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#20

If you walk into your local news and magazine store and loudly proclaim that the place sucks because you did not see the current issue of "The Handcuff Annual" on thier shelves, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#21

If you can't stand old western movies but still go to your local video store, rent every one they have, and then watch them all for days on end just to see what might be lying on the Sheriff's desk in the old jail house, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#22

If you embarrass your date at the movie theatre by shouting out in the middle of a police or prison picture, "Those are FAKE!", "I've got the REAL ONES at home!", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#23

If you are able to call up Smith and Wesson, Haitt, or Peerless and tell them more about the products THEY MAKE than they ever knew, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#24

If you go through life insisting that the only jewelry you will ever consider owning, let alone wearing on your wrists, must meet NIJ standards, you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

marie 16 Mar 2006

#25

if you chase down police cars instead of waiting to be stopped just so you can check out what they are carrying you might be a collector........

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#26

If you go to the trouble to fly Ian McColl to your home or place of business to have him modify ALL of your locking devices so they will all work with the "Universal key", you might be a handcuff collector.

Steve Santini

marie 16 Mar 2006

#27

if you get flowers from your sons on mothers day but tell them a pair of alcyon rigid 5050s was actually what you were after you might be a collector.......you might also end up wearing the cup of tea they just made you

Crux 16 Mar 2006

#28

When you arrive at a crime scene w/ your own cuffs....just in case they are needed.

Monica 16 Mar 2006

#29

When you remind the arresting officer to double lock.

marie 16 Mar 2006

#30

when the arresting officer confiscates your key ring because he realises you have a spare key to every make of cuff he has available.....

Monica 16 Mar 2006

#31

When your pet parrot makes ratchet sounds.

Crux 16 Mar 2006

#32

When ebay is your homepage.

When your tie rack is full of handcuffs.

Steve Santini 16 Mar 2006

#33

I LOVED the parrot one!

Steve Santini

The Amazing Michael 16 Mar 2006

#34

You are in love with former big time wrestling sex-pot Missy Hiatt just for her name!

You consider becoming a "Drag Queen" just so you can call yourself "Lilly Irons".

You steal a golf bag because you over hear someone say that there are "some Woods and Palmer #3 Irons" in it.

You have worn out your copy of the Tony Curtis, Houdini movie by fast-forwarding to the handcuff scenes and rewinding, and slow motioning back and forth and back and forth and back and forth!

You flirt with a homely cop of the oppisite sex to talk them into seeing their handcuffs.

You flirt with a homely cop of the same sex to talk them into seeing their handcuffs! Yes, I went there! LOL!

You have brought someone into your computer room and taken them away from something importent just to show them something handcuff related.....even though they know NOTHING about handcuffs and could care less!

When someone opens their wallet and starts showing pictures of their kids.....you pull your wallet out and show off pictures of your handcuff collection.

You and your date both cried when you seen the movie Titanic.....she/he cried when Leo DiCaprio died.....but you cried when Kate Winsley chopped the chain on those Hiatt Darbies!

Your eyes well up every time you watch Cool Hand Luke and you see Paul Newman cut those convict leg irons with that axe.

You noticed that there are Darby leg irons hanging on the wall in a store room in the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard and you announced it to most everyone in the theater, who didn't understand or care.....and you got the hell smacked out of you by your wife when you did it. LOL!!!

That's all for now....I have things to do! Later!

Cheers, Mike

The Amazing Michael 16 Mar 2006

#35

Some snob tells you that he went to Harvard and you exclaim "THE HANDCUFF FACTORY?!!!!!"

You have an eBay payment taken directly out of you payroll check, before you get it.

You discover that two inner-city hoodlems have broken into your house because they are in your handcuff room traumatized by the site of all of your cuffs.

Stan Willis e-mails you to politly tell you that you are getting carried away with this whole "handcuff collecting thing". LOL!

Ian McColl sends you a Christmas card every year.

The Smith and Wesson handcuff company sends you a Christmas cad every year.

Every time someone mentions 9/11, you can't help but cry as you think about the two sets of identical Tower handcuffs that you traded off.

You have fashioned a make-shift dog leash out of six old pairs of handcuffs when you couldn't find the real thing.

Man, I have a million of them!!!! I had better stop now.....I have somewhere to be!

Cheers, Mike

JOhn Bushey 16 Mar 2006

#36

You are in the convenience store and the clerk has a name tag,
"Bill Adams". You immediately start questioning him on who his
grandfather was. Yep, handcuff collector.

You hop on a plane for 20 hours and get off in the middle of
nowhere, Australia, to visit a tin pig pen to see where so many
Great restraints are made by Ian. (I did this one!)

You buy a pair of wool mittons made by a local artist named
McKenzie to display next to your McKenzie Mitts. You're definitely a handcuff collector. (I got these ones too)

You're installing a dead bolt in someones home when they ask you
if it's a safe lock. You reply, "No, the safe-Lok is made in Australia. This one is just a Schlage."

Monica, the Parrot one is GREAT. Good job all, I laughed all day. Thanks!

Cindi 17 Mar 2006

#37

If you have a bumper sticker on your vehicle that states "My wife told me If I don't get rid of all my Handcuffs that she will leave me. Gosh I'm gonn'a miss her"

( I know I know ... it's old

Monica 17 Mar 2006

#38

When you have a Galls product catalog as one of the magazines on your living room coffee table.

grenchat 18 Mar 2006

#39

You know more about Adams patent than John Quincy Adams.

Youve used your handcuffs to secure your trunk while camping.

The fondest memory you have of the show Gunsmoke was of a pair of Daley bottlenecks.

You have emergency keys stashed strategically throughout your home.

While working in law enforcement, youve carried a different pair of cuffs for every day of the week.

You save all those little boxes that your new cuffs came in.

Your handcuffs receive more frequent maintenance than your vehicle.

Youve handcuffed your friends and then convincingly lied about having left the keys elsewhere, just to see the look of panic on their faces.

You prefer the obsolete, non-swing-through models just because theyre rugged and cool looking.

You never forget the anniversary dates of those really obscure models.

You spend more time polishing your cuffs than hardened criminals spend wearing them.

Ian McColl 18 Mar 2006

#40

Quote "Ian McColl sends you a Christmas card every year"

What's Xmas, I don't do cards.

Ian (LMAO)

You know you are handcuff maker when, you take you visiting friend from the US (who's still jet lagged)Both having been up all night talking about cuffs, both decide to go to the workshop at 4.30AM to make one.

Monica 18 Mar 2006

#41

Honey, which cuffs do you like better with this outfit.........?

marie 18 Mar 2006

#42

Jason....
the "look of panic" is a great one, we all love doing that, im fact i wish i had taken photos.....lol

Crux 19 Mar 2006

#43

When you own more handcuffs than shirt cuffs.

Rothen 19 Mar 2006

#44

I have more handcuffs than shirt cuffs. And I only have three pairs of handcuffs. This is probably a reflection on my smartness of dress rather than my tendency to acquire handcuffs.

And I've flirted with cops too. The only trouble is that I actually now want to be one - and for entirely non-cuff-related reasons. So be warned ye all: flirt with cops at your peril.

grenchat 19 Mar 2006

#45

Marie,

On the lost key gag, Ive found that the sense of urgency is heightened when they are cuffed to a fixed object such as a banister rail, heavy chair, drainpipe or similar. They almost invariably demand a hacksaw, so its better to plan this gag at night when all of the hardware stores are closed. You can even go through the motions of calling the hardware store just to toe the line and watch them fret about their dilemma. A picture would be worth a thousand words!

Have fun

Jason

Crux 19 Mar 2006

#46

...a cruel handcuff collector.

grenchat 19 Mar 2006

#47

When you have enough keys to make Saint Peter jealous.

Unresolved image reference ↗

Chip 19 Mar 2006

#48

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A RED NECK WHEN

Your too stupid to get a drivers licence , but you know every handcuff patent that there has ever been.

Instead of paying your court order child support you buy handcuffs instead

You sit in your basement all day on the computer drinking beer and babysitting your daughter while looking to buy handcuffs off e-bay when your wife goes to work so she can pay the bills and support you

You get looked in handcuffs wearing black leather chaps and look like a beached whale rolling on the ground trying to get out of them

Anonymous 20 Mar 2006

#49

You purposely overbid on an item, seeing some amateur nickel and diming against you, perhaps recognizing your bidding name, so that the guy will bid against you, thinking he's going to get the better of you, and then you stop at the last minute leaving the guy paying way too much.

And then a week, a month, a year or so later, when that guy comes back to try to sell what he bought, . . . .

You then realize the so-called value of what you've got.

gentlemansgt 20 Mar 2006

#50

Amen on that last post, perfect timing also! Lylester, I swear you are following me around every auction for Peerless registered cuffs, and if you note, you always pay dearly for them. You are but a Tee-ball slugger in the batter's box against Roger Clemens, rookie-boy! Stop going beserk and show some respect for your betters, watch and learn, not bid and bid and stalk.
Wayne, nice buy on the S&W 94's on me at the last minute. Same goes to you. Ian, break it off in him for a key. He paid less than 55 bucks for the cuffs at the last second.
Ebay is getting to be a giant fiasco of deep pocketed morons that does nothing for a collection than cause the owner high stress. It used to be a nice place until novices like lylester and wayne showed up by the droves.
My 2 cents.
T

Carnegie 20 Mar 2006

#51

Yeah, "Death to rich handcuff collectors!" I remember that chant from my college protest days......never seemed to work.....they just kept on collecting.....

The Amazing Michael 20 Mar 2006

#52

Hey "chip" aka "bakerite", your message was loud and clear.....you need not come here with that kind of trash talk. We have been civil here since that "chance discussion", now let's keep it that way. If you want to talk smack....do it on the tragic crape' where "bakerites" can do as they please and all others are deleted, warned by the mods, and then banned for their acts of self-defense. My 2 cents.

Cheers, Mike

Chip 24 Mar 2006

#53

Mike whats your problem ? You only criticize my jokes and none of the other people ? I didnt even start this thread. Where is your sense of humour ? No one says anything about your all your silly little postings that only you think are funny. Relax, learn to laugh, take a pill. I got a few more good ones I will post later for you.

JDB1979 25 Mar 2006

#54

I think Chip, or what ever you fella's are calling him, was funny. Unlike some of the other jokes (Ill mention no names) that can get kind of boorish, Chip's jokes were funny. Yea, they probably made some of you mad, especially the one's that got all paranoid and had to pull your shades down because you swear he had to be talking about you.

Chips jokes are funny because there true, not just about handcuff collectors but about any type of collector, doll collectors, coin collectors, beer can collector, and gun collectors (although those last guys can get kind of scary). Hey just kiding, I can say that because I'm one of those guys too.

Some people get so obsessed about there collection. And because of those people that's what makes Chip's jokes funny. But the best part about a Joke is the funny part, and part of what makes a joke funny is when you can actully say to your self, "you know sad part is, what he's saying is probably true."

Of course Im not talking about the boring politically correct Jokes that no one gets. I'm talking about the funny ones. So loosing up, were all here to have fun. And yes, jokes, although funny, can sometimes hurt, especially when you say, "Hey He's talking about ME!"

Thanks Chip, for the good Joke
James B.

The Amazing Michael 25 Mar 2006

#55

Chip, your "joke" was not a joke at all......it was a blatent shot at a good friend of mine and it was not nessesary. How about we start a new joke???

"You might be a Bakerite if......."

you go around aimlessly bashing Steve Santini and The Amazing Michael because your hero hates both of them.

you have bought the $95.00 Steve Baker DVD and the set of three posters for $150.00 and think you got a bargian.

you have mrescape.com as the #1 site on your favorites list.

you post under assumed names on Penguin Magic's forum to disrupt everyone's good time.

you never post your real name on handcuffs.org when you give a shot to Steve Santini or The Amazing Michael.

you can't tell where Steve Baker's butt ends and you begin.

How's that for getting a sense of humor and taking a pill butt hole???

lauher 25 Mar 2006

#56

Once again I have had to delete messages. This thread started off very nicely and was quite fun. But then it got nasty.

Look guys this is not the place to attack each other. Please restrain yourselfs. I know you can that.

Joe